Colts-Jags, disaster edition – Indianapolis Monthly


SCHULTZ: Welcome to the end. Yes, this is the end of Indianapolis civilization as we know it. From 1821 until yesterday afternoon in Jacksonville was a good race! We must be a state capital and have a Super Bowl! A single term president once lived here and so did David Letterman! We had a seemingly rival football team five minutes ago!

Either way, all of those memories and accomplishments dissolved, as the Colts dipped headfirst into a vat of sulfuric acid on Sunday, completely melting into a historically embarrassing performance against a terrible Jaguar team. So now it’s an unincorporated, pothole-filled hellish landscape, with no professional football team tied to the playoffs.

Excessive reaction, you say? * load antique cannons purchased without background check * TELL MY FACE. The Colts season is over, Indianapolis too, and guys, I’m declaring martial law. Oh, and we’re going to have to rename this magazine now …

MILLER: We are what we are. All of us. We are the path we have already traveled and we are unconsciously guided by the path to come. We can deviate from this path as much as we want, but only momentarily and never with full conviction.

In the end, we’ll always come back to who we are.

The Colts? This is bed bullshit, through and through. It is their heritage, their molecular composition. They are, after all, the descendants of the old Chộk Empire: a polite and mediocre people of the Gag Islands (off the coast of present-day Norway). They have traveled the continent almost winning battles sometimes, but not really. Not significantly. This is what they are.

Me? I am a 46 year old father suffering from an anxiety disorder, a dubious furnace, and a severe aversion to unnecessary stress. This is why, as we discussed in our Week 1 recap, I am a believer. This is why I am a fervent follower of Blueddhism, and why I always will be:

The Colts are disappointed. It is the first Noble Truth of Blueddhism. There are probably other truths out there, but no one studies them or really cares, why care. This religion is awful and stupid, you shouldn’t subscribe to its newsletter. Our fellowship consists of burnt clam shells and All Sport grape (the body and blood of Eugene Daniels). There is no enlightenment at the end of this spiritual journey. Only varying degrees of being underestimated. And also gout.

We are what we are, Derek, and I’m ultimately not surprised. This is why I am not destroyed today, and how I am more than ready to talk about the big game tonight !! And by that I mean Lance Stephenson tripping in Boston at 7:30 am. My God, do I love this strange and wonderful man.

SCHULTZ: I prefer to talk about whatever other than what happened in Jacksonville. It was beyond just shit in bed. It’s not that the Colts lost by a last-second field goal – which would have been bad enough – but that they were outplayed for sixty straight minutes by a team that hadn’t won in two months. A team that lost by 40 last week. A team that was certainly the worst entry to the NFL yesterday. A team that was a 15 ½ point home underdog. The rush for passes being non-existent was not surprising. Carson Wentz’s inability to carry the team was not surprising. But, a two-touchdown loss to this aggressively terrible Jaguar team, despite everything at stake? Go from the hottest team in the league, with a 90% probability of the playoffs, to end the playoffs entirely in eight days? It’s shocking. So where do they go from here? How do you start to move forward after arguably the worst loss in Indianapolis Colts history?

MILLER: I bet Lance is trying to cut jujitsu in a free throw tonight, just because.

SCHULTZ: OK, sure, but back to the Colts… I’ve said it before here and I’ll stick to it: I’m on the Frank Reich ship. If it sinks, I go down with * (* Schultz, the real human, won’t die, only the Colts Blogger part of me will perish). I think he’s a very good trainer and I will stubbornly stick to this shot. I believe Chris Ballard improved this roster as well, but the Colts need to have players that matter in positions that matter (QB and EDGE, in particular), and that has been a theme even when they’ve been successful.

MILLER: * interrupts loudly *

I mean, adding Lance to the Pacers was like adding military grade jet fuel to my 1997 Craftsman lawn mower! Performance hasn’t improved much, but it’s a fucking HOOT to ride now. I wish Lance was on the Supreme Court of the United States.

SCHULTZ: I think yesterday’s Colts flop + Lance’s comeback bypassed Nate’s brain, so I’ll end my thinking here. For me it’s a good braintrust and one that you can win with. That’s not to say they shouldn’t be questioned – everything should be questioned after a collapse like this – but I’m not ready to give it up. However, as Rubino pointed out, it is a results business, and the results have to be better. Going 9-8, with three prolific meltdowns (Baltimore, Tennessee, Tampa Bay) and a two-week post-Christmas implosion (Las Vegas, Jacksonville), is unacceptable in 5th grade for Ballard and 4th grade for Reich. I think they will be back next season. I believe they will eventually succeed. But, they used the last of their rope.

MILLER: I’ll be there, Derek, without waiting patiently, as the Blueddha ordered.

SCHULTZ: Yes. Waiting for. Eight long months of waiting …

So that ends both the 2021 season for the Colts and the existence of Indianapolis as we know it. Thanks for following / reading! Now collect all the food and supplies you can and get out of here as fast as you can. You can come back in September to see if the Colts have put out any of the flames, and please PROTECT LANCE AT ALL COSTS.


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