Boyfriend’s riches make her partner feel like a guarded boy

“Spent With” (Illustration by Joe Newton)

I am a 31 year old queer person living in Europe. I recently met a 46 year old man. We were visiting the same city for work and we met on an app and had a series of amazing dates. We have many similar interests and work in parallel fields. Now we are planning a trip to see each other. It’s partly a work trip for him, but we’ll take a vacation together after the work part of the trip is over for him.

To get to the point… he makes a lot more money than me. He offered to cover as many costs as needed. I feel like I’m out of my league here! I really like him and he seems to really like me but I’m having a hard time fighting the feeling that it’s a “dad and boy” situation. Should I fight this feeling or lean into it? It’s not a dynamic he says he wants. I don’t mind if we agree that’s what we’re doing. But I don’t want to accidentally fall into a dad/boy dynamic because of money and “status.” How can I date him like I would date someone closer to my age and income?
— Know the tenuous economic position

If the daddy/boy dynamic isn’t something you want (if it doesn’t turn you on and/or worry, it’s going to make things weird), and it’s not something you he wants (assuming he didn’t just say it because he thought that was what you wanted to hear), then you definitely shouldn’t “lean into it”.

Instead, you should manage the expenses of this trip the same way committed couples with large income disparities split the rent. If you were making 50,000 a year and he was making 150,000 a year and you wanted to move in together but you weren’t ready to merge your finances, you would have to pay a quarter of the rent and he would pay three quarters of the rent . The same goes for utilities, food, and other expenses.

But you’re not moving in together, GUARD, you’re just going on vacation, so things may be a little looser. If you can afford to travel by coach and he wants to travel first class, he should cover the difference between coach and first class fares. If he wants to cover the hotel (a big expense), you need to cover the meals – maybe not all of them, especially if he wants to eat in fancy places, but enough so that he’s clear to you, to him, of your waiter, and to the angels and saints who watch from heaven that you are not a kept boy. (Nothing will make you feel less “guarded” than whipping out your own credit card.)

And the first part of the trip is for business and he would probably go with or without you, GUARD, so you shouldn’t feel guilty for not paying for meals or hotel on this leg – a hotel room he’s in would stay with or without you, the meals they would put on their expense account with or without you – but maybe treat them to a surprise excursion on this leg of the journey that you can afford. (Assuming one of you wants to move out of your hotel room at this point in your relationship.)

The kind of disparities you describe — in terms of age, income, and stages of your respective careers — is something almost every couple has experienced (or in the case of income and career advancement, something something most couples eventually encounter).

But don’t spend too much time thinking about how you’re going to make it work in the long run. You just met, you really liked each other and you are both ready to travel long distances to continue seeing each other. that should be your goal right now, KEEP. If he wasn’t comfortable covering most of the expenses, he wouldn’t have offered to do so. He could have vacationed in the town where you live instead.

Of course, there’s a chance it’s a deceptive offer — he’s offered to cover the cost of the trip expecting you to turn it down — and he’s going to passive-aggressively punish you for it. have accepted. If that happens, well, you can go back to dating guys closer to your age and tax bracket and/or well off guys who don’t play games.

I’m a kinky single gay man, doing mostly vanilla dating right now. Recently, I got dumped by a guy because I confessed to being perverted. I also told him that I believed in God. I realize this may sound contradictory, but I don’t see why the two can’t coexist. He told me he couldn’t date someone who is sexually deviant and also believes in “fairies at the bottom of the garden”. Both were equally problematic for him: my belief in God and my flaws. I didn’t expect to be both ashamed and ashamed of God in the same breath. Are there such things as evil Christians? Where can I find my tribe?
– Frustrated with ending a connection in an insulting way

One of the most evil guys I’ve ever met – a dungeon in its evil basement, whip you until you scream evil – was an Episcopal priest. So yes, FAITH, there are evil Christians out there. But instead of staying home alone wondering where your tribe is, go out and find your tribe. Access naughty dating apps, attend leather/fetish events, date a non-vanilla guy, make non-vanilla friends. If you find a welcoming tribe and it turns out that you are the only believer, as long as no one judges you or shames you, FAITH, join that tribe. If you meet guys who have a problem with your faith, they won’t be part of your tribe.

As for the guy who called you a sexual deviant… what does he think he is? Without deviation from the norm, there would be no “normal” homosexuals at all for this motherfucker. Some of us may deviate more than others, FAITH, but that’s as true for gay people as it is for straight people.

A man I casually “dated” for A MONTH OVER 15 YEARS – a man I’ve had a friendship with ever since – tells his new girlfriends I’m his “ex-girlfriend”. This revelation causes a lot of unnecessary awkwardness between whoever his current girlfriend is and me. I told him he shouldn’t do this because I was never officially his girlfriend. 99.999% of the time I knew him we were friends, compared to 0.001% of the time we dated very casually. He says he doesn’t want to lie?!? But it’s not a lie to say that we are friends! I hate the unease it causes between me and the women he dates now. They never had the opportunity to know me and trust me. Help me explain this to him so he finally understands!
– Never his girlfriend

He understands, NHG. The awkwardness he creates between you and his current girlfriend – the awkwardness that you consider unnecessary and avoidable – is exactly what he wants. Presenting you as his ex makes things awkward with his current one, and his current girlfriend’s intuitive sense that he’s making things awkward intentionally or recklessly makes him a less attractive partner. He doesn’t want a long-term commitment or anything, and instead of being honest about it, he’s weaponizing your existence to put up barriers between him and whoever he’s dating right now. He may not be doing it on purpose, but he’s doing it anyway, and it’s a shitty thing to do to a friend. And the next time he does, NHG, objects and objects out loud, “Don’t be ridiculous!” I was NEVER your girlfriend!

alter ego, Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage.

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